All the Presidents Men

Written by: Andrew McLean, The Reserve Clause (Twitter: @andrewsmclean)

When you’re young, your friends are either your parents’ friends’ children or the kids who live closest to you. And, as a parent, it makes sense. When you’re 3 years old, you’re not overly selective about who you eat dirt with.

The first “best friend” I can remember was named C.J. I couldn’t tell you anything about him. Not his last name. Not his hair color. Not what, if anything, the initials C.J. stood for. Nothing. Except that he lived a block and a half away from me. Then he moved. So my next best friend was Ryan, who lived a block over.

As you get a little older and enter elementary school, you gain a slightly greater freedom of choice over your friends. That weird kid who pulls out his own hair on the bus? Pass. The scabies brothers? Think I’ll keep my distance. But standards are still relatively low. Sure Derek poops his pants a couple times a month, but he also has the coolest mini-football, complete with built-in whistle for full effect. I can live with the smell.

If it wasn't for the Vortex, Derek would be hanging out with the hair muncher.

And as you make your way through school, you become more and more selective about your friends, increasingly choosing those whose interests match your own. With the addition of a driver’s licenses at 16 and landing your first job, which means money that is solely your own, your world expands once again.

Post-high school, be it college or the real world, sees the last of those reins broken, where you enjoy the total freedom to spend time with whoever you choose. This is a very important part in anyone’s life, where good decisions can benefit you for the rest of your life, or poor decisions can haunt you for just as long.

That’s why I’m here to help. While I don’t claim to be an expert on social skills (seriously, check my Twitter feed), I do have a little insight I can share. Everyone wants to experience power in their lives, so to me there’s no better model than the most powerful man in the free world, the President of the United States himself.

One of the most important things a President tackles upon election is the creation of his Presidential Cabinet. The goal of this exercise is to create a well-balanced group, one devoid of weakness (or at least a fatal flaw). If the President is weaker on foreign affairs, he selects an especially experienced Secretary of State.

To me, it’s only logical that we apply this same philosophy to selecting our friends. Sure it’s great to hang out with sports fans when you’re a sports fan, but that doesn’t make for a well-balanced group devoid of fatal flaws. You need to cover your weaknesses.

So let’s begin. What are your areas of vulnerability? Maybe you don’t know shit about cars. Then you’ll need a car guy. Your neighbor Don changes his own oil – make friends. What if you need to move sometime? Your cousin Eddie’s got a truck – get back in touch. Hate doing your taxes? Take a stroll through the accounting department and start laughing at Phillip’s boring jokes.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t hang out with other sports fans if you’re a sports fan yourself, but that can’t be the sole reason. What happens if you’re coming home from a game and your radiator overheats? What are you going to do then?

What if you’re buying a massive grill for a Super Bowl party and don’t want to pay the exorbitant delivery charges? You’re not getting it home in your Jetta.

Sure his burps are flammable (and he'll prove it from time to time),
but Eddie's ability to haul huge shit makes it all worth it. 

What happens when you get notice of an audit from the IRS and would rather avoid jail time if at all possible? It’s too late to befriend boring Phillip. He’ll be on to your motives by then.

While being able to talk about the best ways for a secondary to defend screen passes is all well and good, I contend not being stuck on the side of the road, not unnecessarily shelling out a wad of your hard-earned cash and not being charged with tax fraud is even better.

So take an objective look at those around you. Go to your Facebook page. Scroll through your friends. Do you have your Don, your Eddie, your Phillip? If not, it’s time to get to work assembling your Friend Cabinet. You’ll thank me when you buy that massive grill.