TRC Top 10: Jerry Meals' Blown Calls

Written by: Andrew McLean, The Reserve Clause

 

With one horrifically blown call, MLB umpire Jerry Meals went from near anonymity to national infamy. He’ll forever be known as the man who made the worst call in the history of sports, and deservedly so, but our crack research team has been on it since early this morning to gather these Top 10 Jerry Meals’ Blown Calls.

1. Jerry Meals told Brian Dunkleman to leave American Idol after its first season.

Actual quote: “Bail on that sinking ship while you can. No one wants to watch a bunch of nobodies sing karaoke.”

2. Jerry Meals’ favorite movie is Godfather…Part III.

Actual quote: “The first two were just trying too hard, but they really nailed it on the third.”

3. Jerry Meals advised the Blazers to take Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan in the 1984 NBA Draft.

Actual quote: “I’m not saying I don’t like this Jordan guy, but Bowie is the type of guy that will bring a team 6 NBA championships.”

4. Jerry Meals approached Coca-Cola in 1985 telling them that people were sick of their pop and proposed something he called “New Coke”.

Actual quote: “Hope you have a vault like Scrooge McDuck to hold all the money you’re gonna make on this one.”

5. Jerry Meals sold his ticket to Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS game between the Cubs and Marlins to Steve Bartman.

Actual quote: “He seemed like a real nice fellow who would enjoy some seats so close to the action.”

6. After seeing Jerry Maguire, Jerry Meals started a production company and signed Jonathan Lipnicki to a 20 million dollar guaranteed contract.

Actual quote: “Move over Tom Hanks. This kid’s got a long career ahead of him.”

7. Jerry Meals recommended the NHL move out of boring, cold cities like Winnipeg in favor of hockey hot spots such as Atlanta.

Actual quote: “If I know anything about the people of Atlanta, and the South in general really, it’s that they love their hockey. This one’s a no-brainer.”

8. Jerry Meals is in charge of Fox’s original programming.

Actual quote: “Trust me, Rupert, I know what the people want, and I’ll be sure to keep it classy. By the way, I’ve got a great idea for you to get some inside scoops for your papers.”

9. Jerry Meals pushed for LaTavia Roberson and LeToya Luckett to leave Destiny’s Child and start their own group.

Actual quote: “You girls are carrying that Beyonce chick. If you want to hit it big, you’re gonna have to dump her.”

10. Jerry Meals thinks Jim Joyce made the right call.

Actual quote: “Pretty clear call in my book. Good thing it wasn’t a crucial point in a potentially historic game or anything.”

The Top 10: Next Celebrity Deaths

Written by Andrew McLean, The Reserve Clause

History has shown time and time again that celebrity deaths come in threes. So with the death of health-fanatic Amy Winehouse, there are some big names who should be on high alert. With that in mind, The Reserve Clause gives you our top 10 candidates for the next two celebrity deaths, along with their respective odds of expiration.

10. Arnold Schwartzenegger – 15:1

His governorship is over. His kid with that she-beast has been revealed. And his marriage has crumbled. At this point, he’s looking up at “rock bottom”.

(Editorial Note: Potential suicides should probably be discounted. Arnold is definitely at that point.)

9. Daniel Radcliffe – 12:1

Mercifully, Harry Potter is finally over, and Danny Boy has some serious free time on his hands. Any non-teenage girl has been anticipating this kid’s downfall for the better part of a decade, and we may be very close now.

(Editorial Note: I hear that he may be cast as the new Spiderman on Broadway. If that's the case, his odds are definitely rocketing higher than 12:1.)

8. Fat Joe – 10:1

Two factors working against him. One: He’s a rapper, which doesn’t come with a great life expectancy. Two: His poor physical condition is highlighted in his damn name. But beware of a trap bet here; sometimes when the money seems too easy to be true, it is.

(Editorial Note: You'll get no argument here. Fat Joe is probably going to get capped by Ja Rule's crew since he didn't go all Suge Knight and save his boy.)

7. Russell Brand – 9:1

This guy has made it so ridiculously far with so little talent to show for it that his karma can only swing back and knock him on his British ass at some point. Money doubles if Katy Perry somehow causes it.

(Editorial Note: The world would stop spinning if Russell and Perry both drank the Kool-Aid. Word is that both of them are only eating vegetables. My guess is that their gardener poisons the cabbage.)

6. Jack White – 7:1

The hardest working man is the music industry – with no less than 8 different projects going on at any one time – has to be on some constant cycle of espresso, 5-Hour Energy Drinks and meth. How much longer can his heart take it?

(Editorial Note: Let's not fancy it up, White is just a classy, old-fashioned coke head. Whitney has nothing on Jack. CRACK IS WHACK!)

5. Hulk Hogan – 6:1

If I didn’t put a wrestler on this list, I simply wouldn’t be doing my job. If heaven has a WrestleMania, it may be about to get a headliner, brother.

(Editorial Note: Vince McMahon will talk the Hulkster into the first to the death match. Hulk, in seemingly endless financial difficulty, will do it just to make sure that Linda and her 20-year old guy have enough gas in the Jet Ski.

4. Metta World Peace – 4:1

For those not keeping track, this is Ron Artest’s new name. With the NBA looking at a long lockout ahead, Metta’s gonna have to work hard to keep himself out of trouble. Just no one throw a cup his way.

(Editorial Note: Agreed with the author. Peace is probably going down in a massive Staples Center brawl. The only way a kid from the Bronx really wants to die anyway. Maybe he'll take Mr. Kardashian with him.)

3. Larry King – 3:1

I actually had to make sure he was still alive before putting him on this list. His inclusion almost feels like cheating.

(Editorial Note: Are people who are close to death due to natural causes really counting? Well, I guess this list started because of Amy Winehouse.)

2. Charlie Sheen – 2:1

If it’s possible to OD on tiger blood, this prick is in some trouble. Those lined up to work on his new show should wait a week or two before quitting their current gigs.

(Editorial Note: My guess is that Chuck Sheen kicks it after another round of steroids during filming for the next Major League flick.)

1. Lindsay Lohan – 1:2

Yeah, like I need to justify this one.

(Editorial Note: We're all better off without her.)