Social Media Showdown - Gilbert Arenas vs. Joe Mande

Written by: Andrew McLean, The Reserve Clause (Twitter: @andrewsmclean)

This week offered one of the great Twitter battles I've had the pleasure of experiencing, Gilbert Arenas vs. Joe Mande. In case you missed it, I'd like to take a few minutes to give you the round-by-round breakdown of this epic match.

The Bios:

Gilbert Arenas (Twitter handle: @agentzeroshow) is an NBA player, perhaps most famous for brandishing a gun during a locker room argument over gambling debts with a teammate. History has since treated him kindly, as now that the other fine gentlemen in the little disagreement was just arrested for murder, Gilbert is now the less-crazy one of the two.

Joe Mande (Twitter handle: @joemande) is a comedian from New York City, appearing on VH1’s Best Week Ever and Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham. He’s a must-follow on Twitter, famous for his takedowns of moron celebrities such as Kim Kardashian, Jose Canseco and Russell Crowe.

The History:

This battle was all set up with Joe Mande’s awesome piece on Gilbert Arena’s various Twitter profile pictures. Before you go any further, read it. Then read it again.

In a shocker, Gilbert didn’t take too kindly to it, and the fight was on. Let’s get to the weigh-ins and get this battle started.

Tale of the Tape:

Gilbert Arenas – According to NBA.com, 6-foot-4, 215 pounds

Joe Mande – From photos, I’ll say 5-foot-6, 165 pounds (Editor's update: In an awesome turn of events, Joe himself has DM'd us to correct his measurements: "It's actually 5'9" 145". Sorry, Joe!)

Michael Buffer, take it away.

ROUND 1

Gilbert comes out of his corner aggressive, but without a lot of power:

@agentzeroshow: so i was write that the no talented joe mande wrote it

Mande is unfazed, countering with an early body shot (although not the cool kind off of hot chicks):

@joemande: Yes, you were 100% write.

ROUND 1 WINNER: MANDE. The scorecard now reads Mande 1, Gilbert 0. Early on we get a look at each fighter’s strategy. Gilbert plans to come out firing, with no regard for spelling, grammar or general intelligence. Mande is content to sit back and let Gilbert punch himself out, an ode to Muhammad Ali’s famed Rope-a-Dope strategy to take down the mighty George Foreman.

ROUND 2

Undeterred by his Round 1 beating, Gilbert charges back out.

@agentzeroshow: to be honest the funnest thing u said in the article was ur a comedian..i was on the floor laughn at that part

At this point, Mande must know the bout is over. If Gilbert’s total illiteracy didn’t spell defeat (or, according to Gilbert, "spell defete"), his middle-school comebacks certainly did. Mande lets up, allowing this fight to last a little longer.

@joemande: Oh, thx!

ROUND 2 WINNER: DRAW. Still Mande 1, Gilbert 0.

ROUND 3

Energized by his success (read: lack of total failure) from the last round, Arenas draws back and swings with all his might:

@agentzeroshow: If u were the normal jackass media i would have let it slide but ur not even good at ur job!!

This was the turning point in the battle, as Mande lands a monster roundhouse right:

@joemande: Look up your 10-11 stats.

(In case you’re curious, here are the stats in question.)

Down goes Gilbert! Down goes Gilbert! The ref stands above him and begins his 10 count. Five passes, and Arenas still lies on the canvas, struggling to regain his senses. The ref reaches 8, and Gilbert rolls to his knees and staggers up just before the 10 count.

ROUND 3 WINNER: MANDE. With that haymaker landed, the scorecard now shows Mande 2, Gilbert 0. Not sure how much longer this one can last.

ROUND 4

Gilbert is visibly woozy from the last round, coming out confused and disoriented:

@agentzeroshow: im only following u now joe..i dont wanna mess ur punchline"righttttttttt"

Mande continues his effective counterpunching:

@joemande: I don't want you to mess it, either. What?

After doing some quick research, Arenas is back with another gem:

@agentzeroshow: u charge 5 dollars a a tic lmaoooooo hookers charge more for jokes

Seeing the end is near, Mande again pulls back on the power, and lands a soft shot to the shoulder:

@joemande: Alright. But you're the one buying jokes from hookers.

ROUND 4 WINNER: MANDE. This one can’t last much longer. Either the ref is going to have to stop the fight or someone’s going to get hurt.

ROUND 5

At this point, I don’t even think Arenas knows where he is or what he’s saying. Coming out with this one, he proves my observation to be correct:

@agentzeroshow: i cant stop laughn..imma go back to my rm its almost 5 o'clock jackoff hr...

This is tough to watch. It’s like those terrible bum fights, but one of them is a trained UFC brawler. Mande sees the ref about the call the match, and winds up for his finisher:

@joemande: Have fun jacking off. And proving my point.

That’s it! This one’s over! The ref steps in and guides the tiny Mande to his corner.

Ladies and gentlemen, with a 5th Round Knockout, your champion, Joe Mande! Mande takes a few laps around the ring, thanking his cheering fans. Looking down at a beaten Gilbert Arenas, some remorse sets in.

Maybe this wasn’t a fair fight from the start. In one corner, you had a professional comedian, trained in wise-crack comments at celebrities’ expense on the mean streets of VH1. And in the other corner, you had a guy who could barely stay coherent for 140 characters.

Mande walked over to Gilbert, extended his hand, and helped him to his feet:

@joemande: Extending an olive branch to @agentzeroshow. You can do my show any time you're in NYC. Thursday nights at UCB-East. $5, hookers enter free.

With that, one of the most vicious beatdowns in all of social media ends with a touching moment. I, for one, hope Agent Zero takes him up on the offer. My prediction: Gilbert plays to a standing-room only crowd of scantily-dressed women, with a total paid gate of $10.