Scarlett Johansson Nude!

By: Zach Hammer, The Reserve Clause

That title alone should set a new record for most hits on a single article. (Currently my Stadium Food piece, for those wondering.)

Wednesdays are the worst. While Mondays get all the bad rap, at least there are the great stories from the weekend to share. Like the one where your buddy tells you how he met this questionable chick, brought her back to his place, only to find his roommate had brought the same chick back to the same apartment the night before. Or about the time you left your phone in a cab, only to have the FBI show up at your door for supplying communication devices to known terrorist organizations.

But Wednesdays don’t have anything like that. No one has wild Tuesday nights. Well, only alcoholics, and no one listens to stories from alcoholics because at some point they stop being funny and start getting depressing. Unless he pees himself. Then it’s funny again.

Wednesdays aren’t close enough to the last weekend and not yet close enough to the next one. They’re when we need a nice pick-me-up the most. Well, this Wednesday came through. By mid-morning, the Twitter world was abuzz with talk of Scarlett Johansson nude pictures. God must have finally heard my prayers! On a scale of 1 to 10 of celebrities we most needed a good leaked nude photo of, SJ is a 37.

This little gift from above got me thinking. Is there anything better than Scarlett Johansson nude? After some serious soul searching, I decided no. Need some proof. Well, because this is a PG 13 site, I won’t share the pictures here. (Seriously, it’s called Google, go use it yourself). But I will give you five awesome things that aren’t even as awesome as Scarlett Johansson nude.

1. Playing Madden ‘12 with Bill Belichick

For some reason, the 18-25 demographic continues to line up at video game stores for hours in anticipation of the latest installment of Madden. Why? No clue. Maybe it’s the excitement of the two minor tweaks that the folks over at EA added to this year’s game. Maybe these booger-eaters just have no plans for Friday nights and just stocked up on a bulk purchase of Cheetos.

While I’m at a bit of a loss when explaining the Madden phenomenon, if you’re going to spend time coaching up a bunch of pixels, why not compete against the cream of the crop? And anyone who didn’t already think “The Hoodie” was the best in the business needs to watch NFL Films’ “A Football Life”, following Bill Belichick through the 2009 season. This guys never stops coaching, which is what would make it that much cooler to beat his ass repeate with the “Annexation of Puerto Rico”. BOOM!

2. Throw a 100mph fastball in an appearance as the opening pitch guy.

I for one am sick and tired of MLB teams bringing out these novelty honorary first pitch people who have zero arm. This is the great American pastime that we’re talking about. Everyone should be able to put a little zing on a baseball. (Don't believe me? Check out the video below. Number 2 was definitely robbed of the top spot.)

Now imagine someone like Henry Rowengartner skipping out to the mound to open up a game. Most unsuspecting fans would find it cute that a Little Leaguer is going to try and throw from 60-feet, but what if he rears back and lets one absolutely rip? How awesome would that be? Most of the bullpen catchers who catch the first pitch don’t even wear protective equipment. Imagine the horror and attention that the pitcher would get if he smashed the catcher’s face? Would the catcher still smile and sign the baseball? Who really cares about a signed baseball from a guy who would be selling life insurance after the season anyway? Nobody, but they would care about the ringer who went from throwing the ceremonial first pitch to getting a spot in the rotation.

3. Running a drunk 40-yd dash, on concrete, outside of a major tourist attraction.

You’re gonna have to trust me on this one, as I’ve done it and it was awesome. I ran a 5.13 by the way, but I’m pretty sure the timer was a step slow (he was drunk too, after all), and I puked afterward so I was obviously carrying unnecessary weight at the time.

4. Flying in a human squirrel suit

No explanation necessary here.

5. Being Adam Richman

Here is the guy that all men wish that they could be. He gets paid to be a total slob, the guy we’d all be if appearance and personal health didn’t matter. Believe it or not, Adam Richman is worth an estimated $8M. His job description entails travelling the country to stuff his fat face full of extremely unhealthy food in legendary portions. But who in their right mind wouldn’t sacrifice a little body weight for $8M?

I imagine only a fraction of you made it to the end without giving up on me and going to check out Ms. Johansson, but I thank those of you who did (or at least came back). Did I miss anything? If so, let me know in the Comments below.