Written by: Zach Hammer, The Reserve Clause
First thing's first: I'm not stupid. I know that a week isn't just five days, but when you sit at work all day waiting on your TweetDeck timeline to update so you can fight your way through, that IS your week. Technically, the weekend is just a time to consume way too stale beer and find the best $1 pizza slice that the city offers. Now that that whole mess is settled, let's jump into it.
I'm breaking this down in descending order (that means that it goes backward from 5 to 1, just in case you needed a definition).
5. @KjMcGarr: “Irene” was the go code in Black Hawk Down.”
-What a movie! There is nothing like Josh Hartnett leading men to save Jeremy Piven's dumbass. It all could have been avoided if Piven simply knew how to fly a damn helicopter. I flew a helicopter in my friend Aaron's house last week and I must say--it isn't that difficult. C'mon Piven, you're Ari Gold for god's sake...you're better than that. Regardless of his flying inadequacies, I have to do it:
Matthews: "All units, Irene. I say again, Irene!"
Durant: "Fu**in' Irene!"
4. @Rosenberg_Mike: “The government has asked several hundred thousand people to leave New York City. That is long overdue.”
-Is there a single city in the world that could possibly better itself anymore by getting several hundred thousand people the hell out of dodge more than NYC? I love the city--perhaps the greatest city on earth, but my estimates put the amount of "I Heart NYC" vendors somewhere around "several hundred thousand". The world would be a much better place if we didn't have to see someone from Iowa City wearing one of these shirts while working on their cattle farm.
3. @JimCarrey: "My avatar is the eye in a self-portrait called 'What Have You Don?' an unavoidable question u ask yrslf when u take any creative risk.?;P"
-Someone should probably tell Ace Ventura that the only reason that he has so many followers is that people are obsessed with his fall from grace. Seriously, who in their right mind puts out an Emma Stone infatuation video with the hope that people actually think that it's a joke? Oh, the Mask, you really are a beauty. Your movies haven't been relevant since you wore Gack on your face and fought crime. But you're really, really rich, so if I were you, I'd just continue to think that people actually care about you.
2. @ericstonestreet: "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom! Mom watch. Mom. Mom watch this. Mom. Mom. Mom watch! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom watch this.'--how I get a hot mom's attention at a pool."
-Man, this guy has way too few followers. Stonestreet is the anchor of the popular comedy show, Modern Family. He plays the overweight, extremely feminine Cameron and kills every single episode. Aside from MF being the best sitcom on TV right now, Stonestreet is a stupid hilarious tweeter. All tweeting aside, he might have come up with the most brilliant pickup line in history. What kind of woman doesn't get turned on by a grown man pulling off the perfect can-opener? I'll have the results of this pickup line back to you very soon.
1. @TheCousinSal: "I will miss my Uncle Frank dearly. A great man, friend, comedian. Please enjoy this classic: Uncle Frank"-Listen, not all top tweets have to be about fart jokes or infatuation issues (insert Carrey joke here). The great Uncle Frank from the Jimmy Kimmel Show passed away this week. Uncle Frank was a former NYPD officer and in his 20 years of service he was known to have only arrested 6 people. Rather, his thought was that a good lecturing did just as much to change the minds of criminals. As one of maybe ten fans of the show, it certainly is sad to see him go. God speed, Uncle Frank!
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