Written by: Writer X, The Reserve Clause
This week has been a particularly important week for television. The NFL has stopped blabbing about Roger Goddell and the Discovery Channel will begin Shark Week 2011 on Sunday. I find myself trying to figure out what is more important to me: which billionaire will sign the most ex-convicts or which shark is going to eat one of those fake seals first? So in the spirit of the NFL and Shark Week, let’s compare these two topics by completing an in-depth analysis of the top 3 NFL ex-cons and how they measure up to those captivating ocean creatures.
Dante Stallworth vs Angel Shark
I know many of you are wondering what the heck is an Angel Shark? Well this shark is one of the rarest sharks in the world. They look like a mash-up between a shovel and a bath mat. And how does that compare to Dante Stallworth? Well Dante is a rare form of human. He had a Blood Alcohol Level way over the legal limit and managed to hit someone with his car and serve minimal jail time. Now that’s rare! Not to mention, look at their mouths!
Plaxico Burress vs Great White Shark
As many of you know Plax shot himself in the leg with his own pistol. He served two years in jail for it and has the all-time honor of being a complete idiot. But why is Plax being compared to the Great White Shark (aka the beast of the water aka Greg Norman)? For one, they feel it is necessary to always be armed in the ocean (in this case a gun is the equivalent to hundreds of razor sharp teeth). Secondly, they enjoy inflicting pain, and sometimes they just have no clue what the hell is right and wrong. Also rumor is that NoBu is Plax’s favorite restaurant and I’m just assuming sharks like raw fish too.
Mike Vick vs Dog Shark
Do I even need to explain this one to the audience? Only thing I am going to say here is that maybe Mike should start fighting these bad boys?
Well that’s all I have for you today but remember Shark Week> NFL post-lockout week.
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